Final Fantasy: The Legend of the Crystals Review

OK so here we have another film review. A few weeks ago I watched Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals because I might as well. It seemed like a cheesy 90s cartoon and I could waste 1.5Hours doing this.

Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals

Dear Lord. It was really…not what I expected.

Let me tell you about why…

OK, should you desire you can watch the entirety of Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals on Youtube:

What the Heck is “Legend of the Crystals”

Legend of the Crystals is something to do with Final Fantasy V. It takes place several hundred years after the game and follows the journey of the descendant of Bartz (AKA Buutz AKA Baatz) and the new threat to the world.

To me what I was expecting was:

  • Gentle, 90s anime (think “Moomin” but Japanese)
  • Kind of cheesy
  • Makes reference to FFV but not much
  • Very simple plot that involves finding crystals and stopping the bad guy
  • And I’ll be fair – Legend of the Crystals gives you exactly that.

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Screenshot

    See, nice boat

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Pretz

    Action Hero teenage(?) boy

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Original Party

    This is the party from FFV from a flashback

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Crystal

    Crystals, obviously

    Legend of the Crystals does deliver all the above but it also delivers a lot of stuff I really… was not …. expecting.

    Why is this film not a cult classic

    Honestly, the plot of this film is not very interesting, however there are certain aspects of it that make me think “how come it’s not a cult classic?” and also “How did they get away with this in a Children’s Film”

    OK the first one is, the villain/relucant hero character is a dominatrix. And her cronies are also dominatrixes.

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Dominatrix

    Errr well okay then

    The 2nd thing is that there is… a considerable amount of fanservice/panty shots of the main character. The main character is a pre-pubescent girl.

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Panty Shot

    Well err okay then

    Now… I think I could forgive it if it was once or twice since it’s not done in a specifally only sexual way. But… It actually becomes a plot point.

    Now, the main character finds a Crystal and it becomes embedded within her chest.

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Crystal in Chest

    OK this is standard Final Fantasy fare

    And okay whatever but THEN. But THEN. This causes her to glow… through her butt.

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Glowing Butt

    What. The HELL.

    So many questions about this! Why does it happen? Why is it relevant!? Dear God. Once this happens (about 25 minutes into the film) you now know that this really is NOT the film you expected to watch. It is not a gentle anime from the 90s it is an incredibly weird anime from the 90s.

    Here are some other weird things:

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Graverobbing Brain

    The Villain just graverobs for reasons

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Mid Death

    Casually killing a child

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Dominatrix Crew

    Another picture of Dominatrix while she’s torturing a young boy

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Tickle Torture

    Via tickling of course and yes, fanservice of said young boy

    Final Fantasy Legend of the Crystals Boob Alarm

    An alarm with nipples

    There was a LOT of weird stuff in this film. Seriously, watch it. And you’ll see. The plot really isn’t great and it has virtually nothing to do with Final Fantasy but seriously, this film is a really weird kids film. Have you seen it? Did you see it as a kid? What did you think of it back then?

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